Gone But Not Forgotten
by PaperballThoughts
Summary: It's Becky's first Christmas after Adam passes away. She was doing well to forget about him, until a surprise arrives on her doorstep.


**A/N: Prompted by torresbakers Christmas post on tumblr. (Also, not my best, sorry in advance) OH also not christmas anymore, but here it is anyway.**

**_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Degrassi, nor am I affiliated with Epitome._**

**~.~.~.~.~ **

**Gone But Not Forgotten**

She tried her best to look well. She plastered a smile on her face, but none of it was genuine.

Becky helped her mother to cook the feast for Christmas, she sang along to Bing Crosby's festive tunes with her father, and even attempted to teach Luke how to properly wrap gifts. She did all she could to make her family believe that she was having a joyful Christmas. She wanted them to think that she wasn't thinking of _him._

But it didn't matter. Everything that she did to distract her from thinking of Adam somehow made her think of him. It was always the little things that caused triggers.

For example, when she helped her mother make fresh eggnog in the kitchen, all she could see is Adam's face wrinkling in disgust at the sight of the gooey yellow substance. She would never forget that time when he told her that Christmas would be the ultimate holiday if eggnog was wiped off the earth. The memory would have made her laugh, but all it did was to remind her that Adam was gone.

Another memory came to her when she helped decorate the house with her family and held the ladder while her father placed mistletoe by the entry doorway. It was all trivial Christmassy fun, but all she could hear in her head was Adam's voice saying, _"When Christmas comes, I'll tape a mistletoe on my forehead and chase you everywhere. That way, you'll have to keep kissing me until the day is over."_

Before the accident, Becky used to look at these memories as indication for how her future with Adam would look like. But no matter how much she looked forward to spending a lifetime of Christmases with Adam, these memories now worked as bitter reminders of the things she would be missing.

Adam was gone and the memories remained as they were. _Just_ memories.

As the season gradually made its appearance, Becky soon realized just what she would be missing. She would never get to run away from Adam as he chased with mistletoe. She would never have to worry about keeping their house "eggnog-free" during the holidays. They would never get to exchange gifts or witness their first-born open their gift on Christmas morning. There wouldn't be any cuddling by the fire, with hot chocolate, or sharing their first-snowfall thrills.

Becky would never get to spend Christmas with Adam.

These thoughts ran through her mind right when her mother passed her the bowl of peas.

"Honey, are you alright?" Mr. Baker looked at his daughter with suspicious eyes.

"Hm?" Becky looked up from her plate, took the bowl and said, "Yes daddy, I'm fine."

"Wonderful then! Luke was just telling us about this new girl at school."

Becky glanced toward her brother who started speaking with his mouth full.

"I think her name's Zoe? She's been throwing a bunch of parties for the team lately."

Mr. Baker turned toward Becky, "Do you know her, honey?"

"I've seen her around, but I don't really know her." Becky played with the newly added peas on her plate.

Her mother smiled and stroked her back, "How about you, any new friends this year yet? New boys?"

An uncomfortable silence filled the room.

Becky stiffened in her chair and glared at her mother. She considered excusing herself from the table, but knowing that Christmas was an important holiday for her family, she knew doing so would only cause problems. Instead, Becky decided to focus on her barely eaten meal.

She knew her parents had never quite embraced her relationship with Adam, but she at least hoped they would set aside their bigoted views after his death. She could handle them when they disregarded their relationship because she had Adam by her side to remind her that her parents will come along someday. But now that he was gone, she found it much harder to deal with them. No one was there to soothe her.

Instead, Becky fiddled with the fork in her hand, hoping to find the strength needed to prevent herself from doing or saying anything that could possibly ruin Christmas dinner. Becky made a silent prayer to God to help her. She asked him for a sign that things will be all right. She needed to know that she wasn't completely alone during this Christmas. She needed to know that she was strong enough not to pounce on her parents for being the way they were.

Just as she had finished her internal prayers, the doorbell had rung. Becky took it as a sign and quickly got up on her feet, ignoring her parents's protests.

"I got it." She said through clenched teeth.

Becky sprinted to the front door, not even caring to peek through the peephole to check on the intruder. She didn't care who it was, she was just thankful for the interruption that gave her a chance to get away from her parents for a bit.

As she opened the door, she was surprised to see a solemn-looking boy holding a mysterious package between his hands. "Hey Becky. Merry Christmas!"

"Drew! What are you doing here?" she exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, is this a bad time?"

"No, no. We were just having dinner." She looked down at his hands, "What do you have there?"

"What?" He looked as if he had forgotten the box in his hands. "Right! I came here to give this to you. A-Adam got this for you before he... he…" Becky understood the struggle the older boy was having. It had been five months and she still couldn't say the words "Adam" and "die" in the same sentence. "Anyway, I was in his room today and I found this on his desk. I know it's for you because I helped him buy it."

Drew handed Becky a long rectangle velvet box. She didn't have to open the container to know that it held jewelry inside. Becky hesitantly took the box. All the work she had done to try and forget about the boy who stole her heart, for the sake of a jolly Christmas, was now going down the drain. Everything around her seemed to want to remind her of Adam.

She smoothed the velvet before opening the lid with shaky fingers. Her breath caught at the sight before her. Inside the box was a long silvery necklace with a pendant in the shape of an infinity symbol. In the middle of the double ovals was a thin gold circle with the words _"My Angel"_ engraved on it.

Despite the fact that he was part of the reason why she wasn't happy in the first place, Becky couldn't believe that even after his death, Adam still managed to make her smile when she felt down.

"Adam was helping me shop for camp stuff one day when he saw this at a store. This was all before the Skype call with pizza and that abs kid." Drew kept his eyes on the necklace. "I remember him saying how he needed the perfect gift to tell you that, um—This is going to sound really stupid now after the, uh… _a-accident_ but— But it was something about how he wanted you to have a reminder that he'd always be there for you." The taller boy chuckled to himself, "You know how he was, always mushy and dramatic. That's all I remember, though. I don't really know about the 'angel' thing."

"This is beautiful," Becky's smile still hadn't left her face. "This is—Thank you for giving it to me."

"Yeah, no problem. I would've given it to you earlier but I forgot about it. There's been too much going on lately, you know."

Becky nodded in understanding. She placed the necklace back in its box, not really knowing what to do next. She and Drew never really talked unless Adam was around, but even after everything, it seemed as though Adam was still the one common topic between them. "Have you gone to see him yet?"

"With my parents this morning. You?"

She shook her head. In all honesty, Becky had been trying her best to avoid anything that had to do with Adam for this season. As much as she loved the boy, all she wanted was to spend a seemingly normal Christmas without having thoughts of her departed boyfriend. Becky had planned to visit him after all the festivities, that way she wouldn't damper anybody else's mood. For once after Adam's death, she wanted to spend a day without letting the sadness consume her. For once she wanted to pretend that none of it happened and that Christmas was perfect this year.

"I don't think I can. I-I was waiting until Christmas was over."

"That's fine. I get it." He shuffled his feet on the ground and looked behind him. "Well, I guess I should go now. My mom's probably wondering where I went," She nodded, "Merry Christmas, again. See you at school." With that, the older boy was gone.

Becky closed the door, ready to head back to the dinner table, only to realize that she physically couldn't move her legs to that direction. The box in her hand numbed her of all Christmas related things. She couldn't possibly face her family now.

The only thing she knew was that she needed to see him; or at least see the stone that held his name.

Just as she was about to make her way out the door, a hand held her by the shoulder and pulled her back inside.

"And where do you think you're going, young lady?" Her father had caught her.

"I'm sorry daddy. I really tried. But I can't. I just— There's somewhere I need to be right now."

Her father walked around her to block her from leaving. "Rebecca! It's Christmas, we should be spending it as a family. It wouldn't be family if one of my children left in the middle of dinner!"

On other days, her father's raised voice would have immediately resulted in Becky backing down to obey his orders. This time, though, she knew she needed to have her way or else she would explode. Maybe deciding not to visit Adam on Christmas was a bad idea. Maybe she needed to see him in order to spend a somewhat joyful Christmas.

"Daddy, I promise I'll be right back. I just need to see him. There's something I need to tell him right now. Please."

"I will not allow you to hop away from our traditional Christmas dinner just so you can see your… friend."

"Adam was my _boyfriend_. He wasn't just my friend." Becky let out an exasperated sigh. She really didn't want to get into this again. All she wanted was to see Adam now that she had enough courage to do so. She gripped the velvet box tighter in her grasp to remind her of the reason why she needed to see him at this moment.

"She was never a boy, Becky. Don't you sometimes think that maybe God took her away from you because you weren't meant to be together? Maybe God took her to stop beautiful women like you from getting tricked the way she did you? She's gone, and you should accept it."

Just as she had done before, Becky looked at her father with the same glare she gave her mother in the dining room. The truth was that she no longer had the energy to fight this never-ending battle with her parents. Whether Adam was alive or not, they would never approve of him. The best she could do was let it go and move past it, but there were certain things that her parents said that she couldn't just let them have.

Becky seethed as she inched toward her father, "I really didn't care that you didn't support my relationship with Adam because no matter what you said, I still loved him. But I at least expected more respect from you, daddy. Aren't you supposed to be a good Christian? Can't you respect the d-dead?"

Mr. Baker stood shell-shocked by the door while Becky walked around him to go outside. Right when her foot was out the door, her father grabbed her arm.

"You are not going anywhere! It's dark, cold, and we haven't finished dinner! If you want to see her, you can do it tomorrow. Cemeteries are not ideal places to be during Christmas." He attempted to bring her back into the house, but Becky forcefully pulled her arm back.

"Let me go! I need to do this." She used her other hand to pry her father's grip away from her arm. His clutch was so strong she couldn't lift his fingers open.

"Dad stop. Just let her go." Luke approached them and pushed his father away from his sister. He had been standing with his mother four feet away from the door; Becky hadn't even noticed their presence. "I'll drive her there if it makes you feel better. You know she won't be happy if she doesn't get her way."

* * *

It wasn't hard to find him. His was one of the newest headstones in the graveyard. Becky had only been there three times since the ceremony. The first time was after the bonfire, another time after the first day of school, and the third on her birthday. Those were enough times for her to memorize the path to take from the parking lot to his headstone.

"I'll be over there if you need me," Luke said as he walked far enough away from his sister to give her some privacy, but not so far that she was out of his sight.

Becky crouched in front of the stone and grazed her finger along the outline of his name. Now that she was there, she wasn't quite sure what to say. Her lips curled up into a small smile as another memory came to mind, "I guess you never got to have the words _Free WiFi_ written on your tombstone like you said you wanted." She sighed, "It's Christmas here today, and you're not here. You still gave me a gift right when I needed it the most, though. Y-you're not here but it still feels like you are. You're still protecting me from my family."

Tears gathered in her eyes, and for a second she had forgotten why she was there. Becky took the box out of the pocket of her jacket and placed it on top of the stone. "Thank you for the gift, it's beautiful. I wish you were here to help me wear it. I know what you're thinking, that I could easily ask someone to help me but I don't want anyone else to do it but you." She sat the snowy ground paying no attention to the wetness it caused. "I love you so much. I wish you were here today. We could have danced to your Dead Hand Christmas album. You'd have loved that, right?"

Becky waited for an answer knowing she wouldn't get one. She waited for any sign that he was listening but nothing happened. "It's a bit ironic, isn't it? That you planned to give me the necklace with the words _My Angel_ on it? I— You saw me as your angel, but looking at how things are right now, you're actually _my_ angel. I know you're out there somewhere. I know you heard me praying to God at dinner. I don't think it was a coincidence that Drew suddenly dropped by to give me your present just when I was thinking of you. I know you're here. Why can't you just tell me you are? Please. I need to know that you're listening."

She never was one to believe in spiritual beings living amongst those on earth. Becky believed in the afterlife with God in Heaven. She believed that people had a life after death, where they could finally let their souls rest in paradise. But at this moment, she was ready to disregard her beliefs for the sake of having Adam communicate with her at this moment. Becky needed to know that he could hear her.

"I miss you," she whispered, "You should be here, we should be planning for college applications together, you should be helping me deal with my parents, we could have—I…" Becky's tears freely flowed through her eyes. "I don't know if the infinity symbol meant you were going to be my angel forever. I know you meant it to be for me but… It hurts to think of this, but I can't help but think you were predicting your own d-death. Adam I—" Her breath hitched every time she said his name. "I'm sorry I'm a mess, and you're not here to cheer me up."

"Hey, are you alright?"

Becky ears perked up at the voice thinking it was Adam, but was let down when she realized it was only Luke. She wiped her eyes and nodded.

"We should start heading home. Dad's gonna flip if we don't get back soon." He walked back to his spot and let Becky say her goodbyes.

"I need to go," she said to the tombstone, "Thank you for the gift Adam." She lightly kissed the name on the stone and picked up the velvety box, "Thank you for not forgetting me on Christmas. I love you."

Becky stood up and looked at the headstone one last time before walking toward her brother. Coming to visit Adam did not help. There wasn't anything there that helped her to feel better. What it did, however, was remind her that she was alone. It reminded her that with Adam gone, she would have to deal with reality by herself.

**~.~.~.~**

**A/N: crappy ending as usual… I'm sorry.**

**Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think!  
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